It is not yet common for adoptive parents to build bridges with birth parents, and when we do, we do so in faith, hoping that our children will regain, under our protection, some of what they have lost. My three children, Courtney, Charlie and Rose have different relationships with their birth parents.
Courtney's Story
It took a special invitation to bring Courtney's birth mother, Irene, back into her life. Social services was unable to facilitate contact during the years Courtney was in foster care. When Courtney was my foster daughter, and after I adopted her, she spoke of her fear that her birth mom would no longer remember her. I understood, from the beginning, that for a small child this is emotionally terrifying and potentially a disabling fear.
At the time Courtney became eligible for adoption, Irene was incarcerated. Ireneís shame about how things turned out with her daughter prevented her from acknowledging Courtney in any way. Yet when I approached her, post-adoption, about visiting with Courtney she was excited. I explained to Irene that I loved Courtney dearly but she had emotional needs Irene could best help her meet. This early post-adoption re-connection between Courtney and Irene has resulted in an ongoing relationship for them. They are developing a truly meaningful relationship that includes physical visitation, phone calls, acknowledgement of birthdays, special events and holidays. The Ice children ó Courtney, Rose and Charlie ó enjoy a day at the beach as a family.
As the oldest of three children in her birth family, Courtney retains the most family memories. She had the most responsibility as a tiny girl for the care of her younger siblings, Kaitlin and Larry. In most ways, she has a fractured bond to her little sister. She tells me stories of Kaitlinís birth, abuse and reliance on her. She buys presents for Kaitlin that she often stores rather than gives to her. Courtney recently purchased souvenirs on a family trip to Oklahoma. She said, ìIím buying this for Kaitlin.î
Courtneyís half sister Kaitlin was adopted by a family living near us. Kaitlinís family is always open to any visits we initiate but they do not initiate visitation with Courtney. Although doors are open for the girls to someday create a relationship, they visit less frequently as time goes by. Irene has visited with Kaitlin and her adoptive family once post-adoption, which happened jointly with our family, at our initiation. Since then, weíve delivered Christmas gifts, letters and photos from Kaitlinís adoptive family to Irene. Kaitlinís birth mother and grandfather now remember her with a card or small gift at Christmas and on her birthday.
Courtneyís younger half brother was adopted by relatives of his birth father. His adoptive mother is deceased. His adoptive father has not told him that he is adopted. We have pictures of him, know his name, address, and some things in which he has interest but we have no physical contact. This seems to be OK for Courtney, as Larry and Courtney had no relationship that she can remember. Little Larryís adoptive family has not yet explained his history to him.
Courtney has connections to her first family, to her previous foster family, and to her adoptive family. Many doors are open for Courtney and she has only to follow her heart as to which doors to walk through.
CHARLIEíS STORY
My son Charlieís birth mother, Melanie, visited him regularly when he was in foster care. She openly declared her love and concern for him. His mother seemed to believe that her feelings for him were of greater importance than the effect of any of her behavior upon him. Although understandable, since her feelings of love are what she had to offer, Charlie needed more. She could not offer him a safe environment, safe relationships or basic physical and emotional security and protection.
Prior to termination of parental rights I committed to ongoing contact between Charlie and his birth mom, Melanie. Melanie responded favorably to our post-adoption invitation to join our family for Charlieís baptism. She brought his half-brother, her boyfriend and two friends to the ceremony. Charlie was excited and happy to see her and especially to see his little brother, Ryan. She also invited us, at one point to visit in her home. We had a wonderful visit.
Before Christmas 2005, we had a chance meeting with Charlieís mom in a department store. She heard him pleading for a particular Ninja Turtle remote control monster truck. I encouraged him to talk it over with Santa. She asked if she could give him this gift. Although hesitant, I agreed. Accepting her limits, whether emotional, financial or otherwise, has always been a problem for Melanie. When she promised to buy him that gift, I believe it was her intention to buy it. Unfortunately, Charlie remembers what his birth mother has forgotten. Charlieís dominant emotions about his birth mom, at this time, are connected to his disappointment over that gift, which never arrived. He once told me, ìShe canít take care of me. She only knows how to take care of babies, but not big boys. But, when I was a baby she couldnít take care of me.î The look of sadness in his eyes and the lost tone in his voice said far more than his words.
His mom has our address and phone number. We no longer have hers. Weíve opened the door to relationships with all known members of Charlieís birth family. His older half-sister was adopted by her paternal grandparents. Although we have not yet met in person, this grandmother and I speak by phone about every three months. I expect that my son and his sister, Brittany, will someday meet again. It will be at a time that is right for both of them. Brittanyís family and I agree that our children are entitled to know each other. Charlie has spoken with his sister on the phone and traded pictures with her. For now, this seems to be enough for him.
Recently, Charlieís maternal grandfather called to see if I knew Melanieís whereabouts. He explained that he was considering filing a missing person report. He had not heard from his daughter for nearly a year, a record absence even for her. I told him what I often tell Charlie. Weíll have to wait until she calls us. Mail we sent to her was returned as undeliverable. A visit we made to her last known address revealed that others now occupy that home. Charlie recently asked, ìMommy, why does she go on and on and on?î Heís only 5 but he understands that his momís house should be easier to find. He observes, ìMommy, our house doesnít move.î Charlieís grandfather lives several states away. He says that when he passes though our state again he would like to meet Charlie and our family. He expresses concern for Charlie but admits that raising his grandson would have been too much for him. Perhaps, in his grandfatherís expressed interest, there exists opportunity for Charlie.
Charlie is the most inquiring of my children about his father. Perhaps this is because of his gender. His biological father has never been identified. This worries him and puzzles him. He seems to wonder how he can exist if his daddy doesnít. He asks, ìHow did I get to be a boy? How did I grow? Was I a boy when I was a baby? Why donít I have a daddy now?î Why does my sister have a daddy? He wonders if his brotherís daddy is his daddy? Stepfather, birth father, god father, no father ó what does it all mean? Recently, Charlie, who is Caucasian, took a picture of his godfather, a dark skinned African American man, to daycare. Having never before noticed the differences in their skin color, he told his friends, ìThis is my real daddy.î One little girl scoffed at him and Charlie turned away disappointed. Maybe having a godfather isnít the same as having a real father. To Charlie, it matters. He grieves.
ROSEíS STORY
My youngest daughter, Rose, would not recognize her birth mother, if they were by chance, to meet. She has lived in foster care or in nonrelative placements nearly all of her short life. She often believes that her previous foster mother is her birth mother. When Courtneyís birth mom last visited, Rosie recognized something in the interaction between them that she doesnít have. ìMommy, why does Sissyís other mom like her best?î In 5-year-old language, the question is profound. She asked, ìWhen can I see my other mom?î
Rosieís birth mom and I talked at length on the day her mom surrendered her parental rights. For one day, we sat outside the courtroom talking about our dreams for our child. We hope for the same things for her. We want Rosie to have the love of family and friends, faith in God, a good education, fun, opportunity, and opt for responsible living. Rosieís birth mom requested that she not have visits with Rosie until she reaches adulthood. She says this is because she has messed up Rosieís life enough and doesnít want to mess it up anymore. It seems that she expects her self-hatred to seep out and contaminate her daughter. Still, she gave me her social security number, date of birth and the names and addresses of relative contacts. She said, ìIf you think she needs me before then, you can find me.î
At first, I breathed a sigh of relief thinking this birth mother had made things easiest for me. But when I tell my young inquiring daughter that her birth mommy wants to wait until sheís a grown up to see her, she is disbelieving. ìMom, that is too long! Why does she want to wait so long? How long is it until I grow up?î I have a feeling that I will look up my daughterís birth mother long before my daughter is grown.
A couple of days after the most recent visit with Courtneyís birth mother, Rosie walked through our yard calling, ìFamily! Hey, family! Come here!î This seems to be Roseís way of re-grouping herself, her brother, her sister and me into our familiar, intimate unit. Charlie recently created a detailed and expressive picture of cars, highways and campgrounds for his birth mother. I promised to save his artwork until we hear from her. As my children journey together, each oneís questions and experiences affects the other.
Maintaining birth parent connections for my children is, at times, exhausting work. But I see it as valuable and important for their emotional health. I trust that in the end, birth parent contact, whether a minimal connection or a truly meaningful one, will make a positive difference in the lives of my children. It seems to me that the more involved adoptive families become with our childrenís birth families, the more tentative our statements about the birth family become. This is because we are in discernment. No one grasps it all or gets the picture completely. Maintaining helpful family connections for my children requires only that I listen to them and be willing to take one step forward at a time.
POST SCRIPT
Shortly after the writing of this story, Charlieís birth mother called me. She had just given birth to a baby girl and Charlieís halfbrother, who is in her care, is doing well. Although initially reluctant, she told me that she was living in a hotel room with her boyfriend and the children. She acknowledged that she had no transportation and no food but invited us to come to her home. The following day I took Charlie and Rose to visit with Charlieís first family. We took lunch and all of us enjoyed a meal together. Charlie immediately gravitated to his little brother, demonstrating affection and big brotherly love. ìMommy, heís MY baby Ryan.î Charlie effortlessly acknowledged his birth mother, who he, to my surprise, began calling only Melanie. He said to her, ìYouíre my birth mom. Youíre Melanie.î He pointed to me and said, ìThatís mommy.î Melanie and I spoke some of our history and of the difficulty we have trusting one another. She again told me how enraged she is about her loss of Charlie to foster care/adoption and of how wronged she feels. I sat silently, listening to her pain while disagreeing with her reasoning. Following a visit of several hours I prepared to leave. I invited Melanie to call Charlie or send him mail. She told me she would move from the hotel in another week or two. When I asked where she would be going she said, ìI donít know yet. Iíll figure out something.î Two days later, she called me again. This time she asked for bread, milk and $90 to pay for the hotel room. I gave her a weekís supply of food but did not pay for the hotel room. I talked with Melanie about the necessity of developing a wider support system. I think this is what she least has, but most needs, if she is to meet the needs of her family. I donít think she understands. My children helped choose food and helped with the delivery to Charlieís birth mom. As we were leaving, Charlie hugged his mother and said, ìYou can have my piggy bank. It has money in it.î His sisters offered theirs as well.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Wilma Ice is a single, adoptive mom from Richmond, Va. Her oldest daughter, Courtney is 11. Her son, Charlie is 5 and her daughter Rose is 5. Ice is a registered nurse who coordinates medical services for the Virginia Department for the Blind and Vision Impaired. Ice encourages foster and adoptive parents to contact her at Wckice@aol.com. Wilma Ice helps her daughter, Rose, celebrate her birthday.
