Spotlight Articles Catalysts for Connection
How to make meaningful connections with your foster child.
By Michelle Brownlow  A positive role model is crucial for young children. Foster children, whether they realize it or not, yearn for someone to look up to; someone who enjoys spending time with them. Many of these children come into care without ever having the feeling they were worth anyone's time. Many of them were in charge of their own lives even at young and impressionable ages. It can be scary and uncomfortable for a child with little to no attachment history with adults. Suddenly he finds himself in a family who eats together and plays together, spends Friday nights at the movies or goes on weekend day trips, all as one unit. Children not accustomed to this form of "togetherness" can feel smothered and can become belligerent and irritable. This closeness should be gradually introduced in positive and meaningful ways. Below are a few activities that are meaningful but not at all time consuming. These activities can be used with any child but are especially good for children who may not even realize they crave this attention. These are easy, non-threatening ways to open up communication and create positive experiences associated with family closeness. The activities are not difficult and require little to no preparation as the focus should be on the child and the connections being created, not the 47 steps involved to complete the task. Whether your foster child has just joined your family or a long-term placement is going through some difficulties and is shutting you out, there is no better time than the present to make meaningful connections. Make these activities specific to you and your family by tweaking them to fit the culture, interests and hobbies of you and your foster children. A FAMILY WHO BAKES TOGETHER, LAUGHS TOGETHER!
Don't pull out the sifter and your mother's "from scratch" recipes. This is all about time together and fun, plus the eating part, of course. Packaged dessert kits are perfect as most ingredients are included and pre-measured so there is little concentration needed. This will add to the ease of the activity and open the doors to connections and hopefully a little laughter. Don't be afraid to let your hair down, get a little messy and eat the cookie dough. Don't be practical and wait until after dinner. Make a mid-morning dessert, make dessert outside, or eat dessert first at mealtime. Helping children feel welcome in your home means inviting them into your heart and what better way to do this than with some whipped cream and whimsy. TAKE A HIKE!
No matter what the weather, rain or shine, get out there and walk. Everyone has heard by now that the endorphins released during exercise can drastically change moods. So use this to your advantage. Make up an excuse if you need to. "I have to run these invitations around to people in the neighborhood, why don't you help me?" It is amazing what time without the distraction of the television or the phone will do for a conversation. When you feel the lines of communication opening don't be afraid to attempt a reassuring touch or a gentle tousle of the hair. A wonderful way to celebrate this connection is to pick up a few random objects from your walk. Have the children assemble the objects onto a piece of colorful paper. Frame the project with a shadow box and place it in their room so they can enjoy its beauty and be reminded of your special time together. DREAM A LITTLE DREAM WITH ME!
Regardless of background or upbringing all children have hopes and dreams. And we all have way too many magazines and catalogs sitting around being used as oversized coasters. Put those periodicals destined for the recycling bin to good use and sit with your child to create a "hopes and dreams collage." All you need are your old magazines and catalogs, scissors, glue sticks and a large piece of poster board. Make sure not to limit your children's composition space by giving them a small piece of paper to create their collage on. The world is their oyster and the more dreams they have for their future, the more hope they will have in making those dreams a reality. Sit with them. Cut with them. You have hopes and dreams, too. Use your collage to help guide them into thinking abstractly about the things they see in the magazines. Describe some of your ideas while you are creating together, "See this smiling lady? One of my hopes is that my children will see me as being a positive person in their lives." Some children may simply go through the catalogs and make a picture-oriented wish list. Let them wish. They had so little when they came to you, let them feel the freedom of their dreams. TEACH ME!
Give your foster children the opportunity to teach you something. Maybe they are interested in skateboarding or roller blading. Invest in some protective gear and go for it. Give them your time, show them you want to be a part of their lives, let them play teacher. Play dumb if you have to. Maybe it is art they are interested in. Take a walk through the aisles of a local art supply store and grab a few items needed to create a masterpiece that suits their style. Children are so used to listening to adults yammer on about what should be done and how. Imagine the liberation when you say, "I have never tried flan, can you teach me how to make it?" Empowering children to dig deeper into themselves is a gift you cannot wrap up on a holiday. Whether the children are 5 or 15, give them a chance to share. Give them the gift to lead. COZY UP WITH A GOOD BOOK!
Everyone loves to zone out with a good book. Nowadays the television drones on and on and the joy of reading a good book sometimes falls to the wayside. Young children love to be read to and older children enjoy it if they give it a chance. Once your child has been with you long enough for you to know his or her likes and interests do a little research and find a book that would appeal to him or her. You may want to read it first to ensure you have made a wise choice. Make this an event. For example, every Thursday afternoon is story time complete with hot chocolate, a couple blankets and for 15 minutes we read. If they are comfortable with it, snuggle a bit. Give them reassurance through the gentleness of your touch. Fall asleep. Talk for hours. You know the limitations of the children you are caring for. You know what they will enjoy and what they would feel forced into. Any ritual that is lacking in meaningful connection will feel like a chore. The activities I have outlined are catalysts for connections that will help to eliminate stress and fear when having one-on-one time with an adult. You have the potential to recreate healthy bonding practices with your foster child. Whatever the history is that brings them into the system it is our job as foster parents to send them home with a greater understanding of how beautiful the world and its people can be. We give them hope for the future in the ways that we love them. Connect with your children and show them someone loves them. a ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Michelle Brownlow graduated from Penn State with a degree in art education. She is a former art teacher turned stay-at-home mom, foster mom and freelance writer. Brownlow lives in Southeastern Pennsylvania with her husband and three children. She writes mostly for children and families - what she is passionate about. She has a way-too-active imagination and is putting some of her quirky ideas to work in various picture proposals. If she can gently inform adults and teens and erupt giggles from children then she is fulfilled as a writer. | 
