Spotlight Articles Becoming Her Own Idol
After living in 42 foster homes, former 'American Idol' contestant
Kendra Winston has high hopes for her future
By Kim Phagan-Hansel  As lines wound around stadiums and auditoriums across the country, each person in line had the same wish - to be the next "American Idol." When the show opened auditions in Greensboro, N.C., for season five's show, the American Idol wannabes turned out in mass. When the show aired, North Carolina's competition was hot, but one story in particular stood out. As Kendra Winston belted out "Ain't No Mountain High Enough," she shared a piece of her tragic past. And when she heard "You're going to Hollywood" it was a long way from where Kendra Winston's life started as an emotionally abused and battered little girl, who at the age of 6 entered foster care for the first time. Her first placement brought her to the home of her grandmother, who repeated the cycle of abuse Winston had already experienced at the hands of her mother, according to Winston. "They (caseworkers) didn't believe me about the abuse," Winston said. But it wasn't long before Winston's grandmother couldn't handle caring for her any longer. She requested that Winston be moved to another placement. That request launched Winston into a succession of 42 placements by the time she emancipated from the system at 16. Winston spent many years of her childhood in various group homes and a few foster family placements. In her first group home, she recalls beginning to feel different from other kids. "It was there I started to realize I was different," Winston said. "In school I was always under-stimulated." Winston would often find herself humming or constantly moving to stimulate her mind. Finally, she was labeled with attention deficit disorder. "I used to get paddled all the time for humming in class," Winston said. "I didn't mean to be disruptive." Hiding behind all of that motion was a bright, intelligent child who qualified for the academically gifted program. But, because of all the changes in placement, Winston languished in the system, failing to graduate from high school. Winston's self-esteem was almost nonexistent as she struggled to find love and support from anyone who would take the time. "I was a very, very, very unattractive child," Winston said. "Instead of people laughing at me, they should have been helping me." The person from whom she most wanted attention and love was her mother. However, as difficult as it still is for Winston to admit, her mother didn't want her. "I wanted her so bad, I wouldn't let anyone else in," Winston said. "I just wanted to smell her and breathe her in." And it was that ultimate rejection that cut Winston to the core. "I wanted to hide all the time," Winston said. "I was suicidal at 12. It was the worst time of my life." A longing for any escape or relief brought Winston to the only place she felt she could find love - sex. And, it wasn't long before she found herself pregnant by a young man also living in a group home. Winston was only 15. At that time, Winston moved to the best placement she had ever been in. A couple working at Winston's group home quit so they could foster parent Winston and another young girl. Unfortunately, the placement did not work out. "I messed that placement up," Winston said. "When someone genuine would come into the picture, I didn't have the capability to decipher that it was real." After leaving that placement, it was difficult to find a place that would take her. Because Winston's son, Brandon, was born while she was still in the system, he automatically entered care. Caseworkers struggled to find placements for them together. "Everybody wanted Brandon, but nobody wanted me," Winston said. "It made finding placements for the two of us difficult." Finally, a week shy of Brandon's first birthday, the two of them were separated. Winston had had enough. She ran away and made up her mind to make it on her own. "I knew my rights and I knew what I had to do," Winston said. "I knew I had to survive for my son and I." After being ripped away from her son, Winston had to prove herself as a mother. "I had supervised visits with my son like I was a criminal," Winston said. "I had one year to get my act together or they were going to terminate my parental rights." Winston went to work, determined to get Brandon back. She worked at least two jobs, attended parenting classes and visited Brandon as much as she was allowed. During that time, Winston learned she was pregnant with her second child. "I was busting my hump with two jobs while I was pregnant," Winston said. "When I gave birth they tried to take my daughter, Brianna." But through all of her hard work and determination, Winston kept Brianna, and Brandon was returned to her care a few months later. In the next few years Winston married Brianna's father and they had another child, Kayla. By the time Winston was 19, she was the mother of three children and married to an abusive man. Winston blames her foster care experience and the lack of love in her life for staying in the abusive relationship. "If I had known better I wouldn't have clung to the first man," Winston said. "I stayed with him because I didn't think I could do better than him." Now at 24, Winston has divorced her husband, earned a GED, attends college and is trying to turn her life around for herself and her children. Like others, she struggles to be a good parent and improve her children's lives in every way possible. "I see the parent I want to be - the sitcom mom," Winston said. But, many times her neglectful past follows her today. With a life filled with so little love, it is difficult for Winston to share the love she feels for her children. "I had to get in the habit of hugging my children, I have to tell them I love them," she said. "I have to be everything I didn't have." Winston's trying to take her life even further for her children. Winston loves singing so when "American Idol" came to Greensboro, N.C., for open auditions, she decided it was worth a try. Winston made it to Hollywood with the approval of Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson. She earned a no from Simon Cowell, but in Winston's own words: "It doesn't matter because I'm going." And Winston went to Hollywood in spite of the tragic shooting death of a young family member. Winston's 12-year-old cousin's funeral was the day she flew to Hollywood. "I started not to go but decided to go anyway," Winston said. Unfortunately, Winston did not get far once she got to Hollywood, but the experience is something she will cherish forever. "It was really, really incredible," Winston said. "I could not go to sleep the first night and I told myself I might not make it so I better not miss anything." It was definitely an epoch in her life. Nobody in her family had ever been to a place like Hollywood or had the opportunity for such an amazing experience. Winston feels like American Idol is just a starting point for her. "It taught me I'm just as good as anyone else," Winston said. "Nobody is better than me anymore." Winston would like to sing professionally, but right now she knows there's something big waiting for her out there. "I don't want to be in the same place next year," Winston said. "I want to be significant to myself, the world and my children." | 
