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 | Talking About Adoption Within Your Family
by Laura Ellman, M.S.W., L.S.W. |
I am frequently asked by adoptive parents for suggestions about how to discuss adoption within their family, and specifically, how to begin this conversation with their children. I have learned more about this by asking adult adoptees how their parents approached their adoption story when they were growing up. I have found those individuals who were satisfied said they felt comfortable asking questions about their adoption and believed their parents could “handle” inquiries and emotions around adoption. Individuals who felt their parents did a “fair job” said they felt a need to protect their parents by not speaking about their adoption and wished their parents had been less awkward about the issue.
This subject generates of interest from parents and children alike, and each year, Adopt-A-Child sponsors a discussion to explore this topic. Recently the Adopt-A-Child pre- and post-adoption groups were addressed by Susan Pedaline, clinical nurse manager for the Childbirth Center at Forum Health in Youngstown Ohio, and the mother of two teenage sons adopted as infants. Pedaline demonstrated how to speak to your child about being adopted, as well as ways to address the issue with family and friends.
Pedaline emphasized the following two beliefs: 1. Parents must become comfortable talking about adoption; 2. When sharing adoption information with a child, adjust your content to the appropriate developmental level of your child.
Pedaline suggested that one way to feel comfortable talking about adoption is to acknowledge what emotions are present when thinking about what led to the adoption of your child. These may include sadness at not having a biological child, and frustration toward the medical and adoption community. The purpose is not to make these feeling go away, but to be prepared for them if and when they arise. Pedaline used the example of a parent who may unknowingly look away or change the subject when adoption is mentioned. She said such responses are powerful ways to teach a child that adoption may be a topic to avoid with one’s parent.
Pedaline also encouraged participants to read books about adoption and have conversations with trusted family and friends in order to become more relaxed when speaking and thinking about adoption. This can also help parents become familiar with preferred adoption terminology.
When asked what age is appropriate to share a child’s adoption story with him or her, Pedaline said as soon as parents begin talking to their child, the adoption story should occasionally be built into conversations. Videos and photos of parents’ travel abroad and children’s books are helpful when talking about how a child entered the family. Pedaline believes adoption can be integrated into a family’s history in a balanced manner so that it is neither dwelled upon nor avoided.
Pedaline then advised using care when sharing adoption information with children, as she said, “young children often seem to understand more than they really do.” When a child asks a question she recommends “digging deeper” to understand what is really being asked. She encouraged parents to be honest with their children and to use language that they can understand. Pedaline believes it is fine to withhold certain information until a child is more mature, but does not advise ever telling a child something that will be contradicted at a later time. She also stated that a child has a right to be told all available personal information at an appropriate age.
Pedaline recommended being emotionally and intellectually available to both profiles of children. A “more interested” child may express powerful feelings around adoption in a straightforward manner, while a “less interested” child may require a bit more parental involvement to identify and discuss thoughts and feelings.
When asked how to respond to curious friends and neighbors, Pedaline reminded us that a child’s adoption story belongs to him or her. She recommended resisting the urge to share a child’s personal information even with close friends and family, as once the words are spoken, they can never be retracted. Telling a friend that your child has a biological sibling in her birth country may seem harmless when your child is a toddler, but as she matures, your child may want to personally decide if and when to share that history.
In closing, she challenged participants to create a family environment in which feelings may be expressed, questions asked, and honesty and communication valued.
Laura Ellman, M.S.W., L.S.W., received a Bachelor of Arts in English from Colgate University and a Master of Social Work degree from the University of Connecticut. In her position of clinical director, Ellman provides expert assistance and guidance to prospective adoptive parents throughout the adoption process.
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