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 | To Bring or not to Bring, That is the Question
by Susan Gainor |
Many times parents are faced with the difficult decision of taking their older children with them or leaving them with a caregiver when traveling to adopt a new child. This family has a few words of advice when traveling with children.
Deciding whether to bring children along on adoption-related travel can be an emotionally charged and difficult decision. My husband and I agonized over whether to bring our son, Sean, when we traveled to Russia to adopt Connor. Considering the following factors helped us make this all-important decision.
• Age and developmental stage. Older children are generally easier to bring. They can entertain themselves for long periods of time, and are old enough to understand what the trip is about. Being able to discuss what your child is likely to experience will help him or her cope with the travel and the adoption. Because they represent a ready-made playmate, older children can also help smooth your adopted child’s transition into your family.
Young children who still need a lot of hands-on care, or function best on a consistent schedule, may pose particular challenges. For example, if your child normally naps, orphanage visits and other appointments may be hard to schedule. Ask your adoption agency about the availability of babysitters and whether both parents are required at every appointment. But, if your child is used to a fairly fixed routine and melts down when tired or hungry, he or she may fare better at home where a schedule can be maintained.
Young children are also less able to understand what’s happening and more likely to absorb their parents’ stress and reflect it back in their own behavior. If the adoption is particularly stressful, parents should expect younger children to regress or exhibit signs of emotional distress, such as disturbed sleep, depressed appetite or negative behavior. Ted and Danielle Friedman brought along their daughter Nora when they adopted 2-year old Caleb from Moscow. Even though the family play-acted the adoption many times, Nora — then 3 — was too young to understand Caleb’s initial distress upon joining the family. The trip was fraught with tension, which affected Nora’s sleeping and appetite.
• Participation in the adoption process. Many parents want their children to feel like they are part of the adoption process. Adoption professionals caution, however, that children may be excluded from some aspects of the adoption. How much children can participate depends on the preferences of individuals involved in the adoption in the host country. Children are not permitted inside the courtroom for the adoption hearing and may also be forbidden entry to the orphanage.
In our case, the orphanage director refused to allow our older son to enter the building, citing concern that he could introduce germs to the other children. Other parents, however, report no problems going into the orphanage with their children. Michael and Grace McGonnigal of Silver Spring, Md., brought 9-year-old Aaron to Russia when they adopted 7-year-old Igor in early 2003. Throughout the family’s stay in Birobidjan, Aaron accompanied his parents on daily trips to the orphanage. If you bring a child, adjust your expectations so you aren’t disappointed if your child is excluded and be prepared to arrange for a babysitter for at least the court hearing.
• Travel tolerance. If your child is flexible and can cope with the rigors of long-distance travel, he or she might be up to the trip. But some trips involve more travel than most kids can handle. Christopher and Barbara Franks, a U.S. military family living in Germany, adopted Anastasia in November 2001. Their trip involved flying into Moscow, then another long flight to Russia’s far eastern region, and an overnight train to Khabarovsk. Rather than bring along their then 3-year old son, the Franks opted to leave Joshua home with Barbara’s mother, who flew to Germany from America to help out. For the Franks, it didn’t make sense to subject Joshua to that kind of travel when they could leave him home to enjoy a special visit with his grandmother.
Parents should also consider their children’s driving tolerance. How well does your child handle extended time in a car? If he or she balks at running errands in the car at home, then he or she may make you miserable while you drive all over town on adoption business. Moreover, cars in most developing countries don’t have seat belts and cannot accommodate car seats. If you bring a young child and adopt a young child, both parents will find themselves in the car with wriggling children in their laps.
• Child-care alternatives. Whether you have family or friends to watch your child while you are away will often dictate your decision. Is your child accustomed to overnight stays at other people’s homes or has he or she never slept a night away from you? We lived in Germany when we adopted Connor and had no one who could stay with Sean while we traveled. Sean had also never slept in another house without us and was afraid of being left while we were away. His fear was a major factor in our decision to bring him along.
• Length of stay is also a consideration. Depending on the procedures in your adoptive child’s country, you may stay anywhere from a week to a month or more. Can you and your child handle a lengthy separation? Can your caregiver manage it if your trip is extended for some reason?
• Child’s health. Is your child healthy or does he or she have needs that might have to be met by the host country’s medical system? Some conditions can be managed with medications and supplies you bring from home. Bear in mind that countries with poor economic conditions are unlikely to have health care standards you are used to. Consult your child’s physician for an assessment of whether he or she will be at risk during your travel and stay.
• Cost. International adoption is expensive. Are you adopting on a shoestring or is there room in your budget to bring your child? Bear in mind that bringing a child may affect your choice of accommodations, which can drive up costs. While host family stays are generally less expensive, a hotel or furnished apartment may make more sense if you are traveling with children. In our case, we opted to stay in a hotel with a pool rather than with a host family, so our son could look forward to afternoon swims. While the hotel was a more expensive option, we felt it was worth the cost to ensure Sean enjoyed the trip. If the cost of more expensive accommodations, extra air fare and meals, and possibly babysitting, will break the bank, consider leaving your child home.
Of course, the decision factors will vary based on each family’s situation. Only you know what you and your child can handle. But be honest with yourself, adoption is plenty stressful. If bringing your child along will be more stress, expense or headache than you can handle, make arrangements to leave your child in loving and safe care while you travel. If you think your child can manage the trip and play a positive role in the adoption, by all means, bring him or her along.
~~~Susan Gainor is an adoptive parent and freelance writer living in the Middle East with her husband and two sons.
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