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 | Talking Race
by Julie Anderson |
He was the last one off the school bus. I held his hand, and we headed home. His head was down, his eyes averted. He was hiding something.
“Hey Deshawn, what’s up? Did you have a bad day?” I asked.
He hesitated, then said, “The bus driver made me sit in the front seat because I was in trouble. I didn’t even start it.”
Then the tears came, silent tears. I thought my heart would break.
Deshawn came to us through adoption when he was 2 years old and is now a happy, active 6-year-old boy. He is African-American, and my husband and I are Caucasian. We live in a small town of 1,200 in a predominately white region of southern Minnesota.
Once home, Deshawn and I sat down. I asked him to explain what happened. I had a feeling his story would unveil a greater problem, a problem more about adult ignorance than childhood chides.
While I wanted to hold my son accountable for his actions, I questioned how his race factored into the incident. I wondered if the bus driver singled out my son, exaggerated his offense and disciplined him unfairly. But further fact-finding with Deshawn revealed the driver also punished the other boy involved in the incident. The other boy was not a child of color.
Deshawn and I talked about more appropriate ways to deal with teasing and bullying. As we talked, I began to understand the driver likely had one primary motivation — to keep the children, our precious cargo, safe. The bus driver’s reaction to my child may have had nothing to do with race. Still, the incident begs the larger question, “What should a transracial family do to help the children become healthy, happy individuals with a positive sense of racial identity?”
Talk to Your Child
About Problem Situations
If your child has behavioral problems in school or other social settings, be sure to reach out to him or her. Lois Melina, a Caucasian adoptive parent of Korean children and author of “Raising Adopted Children,” lists five questions for you to ask your child to help him or her deal with problem situations:
1. What happened?
2. How did that make you feel?
3. What did you say or do when that happened?
4. If something like that happens again, do you think you will deal with it the same way?
5. Would you like me to do something?
Melina suggests leaving the choice of your involvement up to your child. This is a positive way to show you are available to help, but also that you have confidence in your child’s ability to decide when your help is needed. Above all, if your child’s feelings are hurt, let him or her talk about his or her experiences with you and acknowledge that you care.
Talk to Your Child About Race
The National Adoption Information Clearinghouse stresses the importance of talking to your child about racial issues, even if your child does not bring up the subject. Use opportunities, such as a television program or newspaper article, to talk about race in some way. This lets your child know you feel at ease talking about race — the positive aspects as well as the difficult ones. Be aware of negative messages related to any race or culture and explain they are foolish and untrue.
Meet With Your Child’s Teacher
Teachers and other professionals could act in the best interest of your child, or they could exhibit subtle biases. Meet with your child’s teacher as often as possible. Ask your child’s teacher and other supportive adults for help in ensuring your child is held accountable for his or her behavior. Also ask that they report to you any incidents that may involve race. All of the information you can learn will be helpful for your child. A relationship with the child’s teacher allows you to bridge the gap in communication and know if racial incidents are occurring in the classroom. Continue to enlist the help of your child’s teacher in enhancing your child’s self-esteem.
Teach Tolerance to Other Adults
Melina also urges parents to stand behind their child if he or she is the victim of a racial incident or has problems in your community because of the unkind actions of others. While your child may wish to determine your level of involvement, there are times when you must be assertive. Always confront racism openly. Discuss it with your friends, family and the supportive multicultural community with which you associate. Rely on adults of color to share their insights with both you and your child.
I have learned throughout the years the best way to fight racism is to combat the remarks while giving people a chance to explain their comments or change what was said. Racist remarks should never be dismissed or go unanswered, but offering others the opportunity to get past their own biases can help them through the process of transforming their beliefs and attitudes. Comments that facilitate further communication can be as simple as, “That’s interesting. Tell me why you feel that way,” or “Really? That has not been my experience at all. I have had just the opposite experience.” Positive discussions about race are always more productive than negative attacks.
Seek Out Other Transracial
Families and Role Models of Color
Will I ever truly understand how it feels to be a person of color, to live as Deshawn does? I would sooner die than have my son endure racism, yet I will never be able to experience it firsthand as a person of color. By engaging other transracial families and providing African-American role models for my son, I help him connect with those who have walked in his world. Such friends and role models can provide invaluable emotional and practical support.
Teach Your Child There
is Justice in the World
As Deshawn’s mother, I could find racism every way I looked, if I so chose. Through the years, however, I have come to understand that for every person who makes a racial remark, there are many who abhor such remarks. For every one who removes justice, there are many people who would fight for it. For every person who is ignorant, there are plenty who are enlightened.
As Deshawn’s mother and a citizen, I must continue to fight racial injustice. At the same time, however, I must also teach my son that there is justice. The human capacity to honor and care for one another is, after all, amazing.
Remember Your Child
is Simply Your Child
Deshawn’s race is an important part of his identity to be celebrated and never denied. But beyond his race and in every way, Deshawn is simply my son. He’s my kid, and I’m his mom, and I make every effort to be intensely involved in his life. These days, I meet Deshawn at the bus in the afternoons, and I always make it a point to greet the bus driver.
Julie Anderson is a freelance writer, a nonprofit fundraiser and mother to Deshawn and Emma. She grew up in a large, multicultural adoptive family. Anderson has a bachelor’s degree in international relations and a master’s in public administration. She lives with her husband and children in Minnesota.
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