 | My experience with inter-racial dating has not always been positive. Growing up, I always considered myself just like my friends, despite them being mostly white. However, I began to question my appeal with the opposite sex in high school. I wondered why all of my guy friends always had girlfriends. I dated, but not nearly to the extent of my friends.
While I had many female friends, and I felt that they liked me for my personality, they were hesitant about dating me. It seemed that subconsciously or not, they did not know how it would be to date inter-racially. I began to question if I was not attractive to the opposite sex because I was of Asian decent. I also often thought of how I would feel or be treated if I were in Korea. Would I have these lingering feelings of not being attractive or wanted? These experiences made me question my “maleness” or “masculinity.” I now realize that a lot of what I felt was a part of puberty—a part of growing up. Yet, I do believe that being one of very few racial minorities in my class “burdened” that struggle even more. Inter-racially adopted children go through enough questioning about their identity in society and the realm of inter-racial dating is yet another challenge to overcome.
Once I felt somewhat “inadequate” or not attractive. Now, I believe that if someone is hesitant about dating inter-racially, it is their “issue,” not mine. I am not less of a “man” because someone may be skeptical to date me simply due to my race. To me, it is far more important to be a genuine person and date a person who respects me for who I am. ~Zachary Lee Kukoy
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 | I didn’t date much growing up in a small, all white community in Michigan. I always had a lot of friends, fit in well with others, and was told that I was “very cute” and “good looking.” I did attract attention from girls but for whatever reason, I just did not date much. That all changed when I went to college and started to meet Asian girls. I was much more attracted to them and I felt more comfortable asking them out. I think the biggest difference for me in dating an Asian woman versus a Caucasian woman is the comfort level. I personally did not have any problems with me as an Asian guy dating a Caucasian female, but I would often be afraid that this would not be the case for the person I was dating. I would get the sense that they were not totally at ease about the relationship, especially in front of others. When I dated Asian women, I did not have this same sense of discomfort. It is very typical to hear Korean adoptees say that they only dated Caucasians growing up. For Korean adoptees, growing up in a society that is completely different from their ethnic background is the norm. Adoptees try to fit into their surrounding environment as much as possible. This includes dating people who are different physically. Most Korean adoptees don’t have much of a choice when it comes to dating. They are placed in mostly Caucasian communities, which gives them little opportunity to mingle with people of their same ethnic background. Many of them do not date people of their same ethnic background until they go to college or move to a more diverse neighborhood. Of course dating the person of the same ethnic background does not mean the relationship will be successful or better. Inter-racial adoptees are far different from people of their same ethnic background because they were raised differently. Also, for Korean adoptees, most Korean families would not initially accept them as being suitable for their son or daughter to date. I think this is the reason why I see so many Korean adoptees dating non-Korean Asians or other Korean adoptees. I also know some Korean adoptees that only want to date Caucasians because that’s whom they are most comfortable with. They grew up with them so that’s what they know and like. However, many of these adoptees can easily change their minds when they start to spend significant amounts of time with other Asians or adoptees. Dating for inter-racial adoptees can pose some challenges that others do not face. If they date inter-racially, they face the race issues related to these relationships. If they want to date someone from their own ethnic background, they might find that they are very different from members of their ethnic community. When it comes to dating, inter-racial adoptees can easily be caught between two worlds, not totally comfortable with either. ~ Thomas C. Manvydas
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 | I must tell a story of my past behavior that I am ashamed of now, but I think it illustrates well how many Korean Adoptees are influenced by the pressures of growing up in a white family and society. It was my freshman year in high school and I was fourteen, right in the middle of puberty and going through the usual growing pains of any teenager. I was having a conversation with some other girls, who were white, and they asked me if I were going to marry an Asian man. Looking back, I remember I was really confused at first because this issue hadn’t even crossed my mind. I told them that I would never even date an Asian guy, much less marry one, because they were ugly and I wanted my children to be mixed with white so they would be beautiful. My parents used to tell me that Amerasian children were always so pretty. The girls laughed because they thought my comments were funny, but as soon as I looked around the room, I was sorry. A few desks away was one of the only other Asian students, who attended my high school. I still don’t know if he ever heard that conversation, but now almost 10 years later, I wonder if he was hurt by my ignorant and racist remarks towards members of my own race—a result of growing up in a “white normative gaze” America. Since then, I have dated Asians, most of whom were Korean, a few black Americans, and white Americans. My parents used to say that they wouldn’t want me to date an African American man because they feared problems might arise from the racial difference. However, this seemed quite a contradiction when all the boys I dated in high school were white, an automatic racial difference—an interacial relationship. I suppose it comes right down to the skin color. Since my skin is fair, I can be more easily matched or “passed” for white, therefore I can date a white person with few or no problems. Moreover, interacial dating between a white man and a minority woman is more acceptable in American society than a minority male dating a white woman. Even for a Korean adoptee, choosing to date a minority man instead of a white male suitor may be frowned upon by her white adoptive parents, as was in my case. Once, while listening to a Korean American friend of mine speaking about her friend, who was a Korean American Adoptee as well, I felt very uncomfortable, even offended by her comments. She said, “Oh, so-and-so, she’s adopted, so she’s basically white.” No matter how much I may not know about Korean culture, language, or history, I refuse to be called “basically white.” If I were “basically white,” would I have endured living as an “other?” Why have I been made conscious of the color of my skin my whole life if I, like other Korean Adoptees, am “basically white?” I am tired of this masquerade as a white American when I have yet to experience a life as one. In everyday life, as well as in my artwork, I fight against the assumption that “American equals white” to prove that one does not have to be a certain way to be an American, a woman, a Korean or an Adoptee. ~Kate Hershiser Park Kum Young
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