 | This subject is hard for me to write or think about clearly. Maybe it is because I don’t know if I have actually dealt with it completely, or perhaps, I am not sure if it’s something that I will always be dealing with. The feelings of being abandoned by people who loved me have led me to behave in many dysfunctional ways. Thus, it is important to recognize how our behavior is altered by the loss we have had in our lives. Some of my own behaviors can be examples of how this issue has negatively affected my life, from how I treated my parents to bad relationships and depressions. However, it also has had a positive impact in my life as well—I had to figure out who I really am because I did not want to go through life feeling like someone who was abandoned by my loved ones. At the time that I did not want to deal with it, I noticed that fear would sneak in and out of my life. During this time, I couldn’t think objectively about what I was doing, while my parents could see the larger picture and point out that I needed to face the fear instead of running from it. Because I couldn’t trust anyone, I became very depressed and I withdrew from everyone. Especially during my first semester in college, and having just returned from my first visit to Korea, the fear of losing the people I loved became intensified. The depression was severe and I needed my parents more than anyone, but I persuaded myself that they didn’t love me. I somehow internalized that if my Korean dad, who loved me, could leave me, then I didn’t deserve to be loved by anyone else. It was very hard for me to understand how I could lose my Korean parents and then be expected to love another set of parents without the fear of them leaving me. However, even though I pushed them away, my parents’ persistence through their actions and words were what saved me from living a life in fear. This was a very long and painful process for my parents and I, but they have taught me to trust again. They also have helped me to build my self-confidence and made me see that I do deserve the best life has to offer. I don’t know if the sadness from the past will ever disappear, but I have made a choice that I will not live my life being consumed by my fears. Adoption is a crucial part of my identity, and there was a time I felt it to be a curse with all the pain that I felt, but currently, I believe it is a blessing. Both sets of my parents invested so much strength and love in me that now I know I am stronger than many of life’s hurdles. I have many high goals and I see myself with a lot of potential and dreams. I am forever grateful to both sets of my parents. ~Ashlee Young-Soo Lewis
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 | The sense of abandonment is often one of the most important issues for an adoptee. There is not one definition of abandonment; for each adoptee, their sense of being abandoned has its own context. I cannot count how many times I have questioned why I was given up. I questioned: What were my family’s circumstances to possibly give up their own flesh and blood? Why me? Did they love me? Was I a mistake? Through all of my searching for understanding, it has eased my heart and consciousness. However, it is an issue that I still battle with today. The issue of abandonment stems from deep within and it is not curable with a snap of a finger. When dealing with abandonment, one should try to find a good support group; whether this support comes from parents or friends, support is a key ingredient to better understanding the empty feeling. Trying to figure out the possible reasons for the abandonment only leads to an imaginative scenario and always a heavy heart. For the adoptees trying to figure out this issue, it is important to somehow come to terms with the feelings of loss and abandonment. It is not wise to store or ignore your feelings. It is also crucial to love your adoptive family and trust that they will not abandon you. For the parents, don’t feel threatened by our sense of void. It is not something that the parents can erase or fill completely. But, unconditional love from the parents is essential in our search for peace of the heart. ~Zachary Kukoy _______________________________________________________ |
 | Since I was very young, the fact that I was relinquished for adoption was not a conscious memory in my life. Nonetheless, seeing that everything that happens to one affects one in one way or another, the people who were supposed to love and take care of me the most... my birth parent’s act of abandonment has shaped my life, for better or for worse. Deep down I think I always knew I was unwanted. Unlike other adoptees— who find out their parents tried their best to keep them—I somehow was not surprised when I learned the circumstances surrounding my adoption. As a young child, I used to wonder why I was given up, thinking perhaps, my mother was unwed, young, poor, or all of the above. Yet at the moment of finding the truth, I braced myself for the worst. This act of shielding the vulnerable parts of my soul was advantageous, and too significant to just be luck. I was abandoned for one major fault. I wasn’t a boy. Out of curiosity, I requested to see the documents of my file. My birth parents, although wed, already had three daughters, my older sisters. I was the fourth, and disappointingly enough, I was a girl. Even though they stated they were too poor and could not feed another, they also added that if I were a boy, they would have tried to manage. And thus, I was not even fought for. Growing up in a place where I felt my gender was not a disadvantage made me pretty naive and ignorant to the gender inequality that does exist everywhere, even in the United States. When I returned to my birthplace, I was faced by situations that arose because I was female, and I lacked a certain sense to negotiate my emotions. I simply never had to deal with it so aggressively. Of course, when I went to Korea for the first time, I tried to be open-minded to everything that the Korean culture had to offer. However, the gender role that was expected of me was one that I could not identify with, and consequently, I suffered immensely, not knowing how to deal with my feelings. It was as if I somehow was reborn into a place that could not accept me the way I was, always trying to fit me into a mold that I had long slipped out of years ago. I was rejected yet again. However, no matter how many times I felt personally insulted or attacked, I would not adhere to the dress or behavior of a proper Korean woman, the way most Koreans wanted me to be. This inability to change or camouflage myself is rooted in an unconscious response to my initial rejection. Since I was not accepted as a baby girl, why should I be now? Dealing with this has been interesting. Yes, I probably am angry. However, as I make art about being a woman in Korea, I can truly say that my work is not stemmed completely in anger. Rather it is out of frustration and a growing determination to live my life how I please anywhere, even in Korea. It is my attempt to raise a consciousness that the rules of “acting a Korean woman” do not exist for everyone. Personally, I do not really like living in Korea. But, I have returned to overcome the huge obstacles that make life difficult not only for Korean adoptees, but for women as well. I am truly glad I was adopted to America. However, I cannot lie and say I did not have my share of problems with my adoptive family, specifically regarding my struggles to reconcile my feelings of resentment towards my parents for adopting me. Yet, I know it was meant to be, and I am truly grateful to them, not for adopting me, but for just being there...being my parents and loving me, their kid. ~Kate Hershiser Park Kum Young
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